Interests:God, being with people, music, guitar, writing, spanish and other languages, international studies, reading, long flowy skirts Expertise:swimming in fountains...
So. I don't know who might still read this, but I may as well give an update. There's certainly plenty to update on. Right now I'm living with Ann Johnson in Evanston. I left Saint Paul after breaking up with Pat. That sucked pretty bad. Still does. It was only just over a month ago. I broke it off for a lot of reasons. Ultimately, I was holding on to something that wasn't good for me because I was too scared to be alone and without that stability. I spent about two weeks in Wisconsin with my parents before getting a job at the Lucky Platter and moving in with Ann. Staying with Ann is only temporary, I'll actually be signing a lease for an apartment in Chicago next week. I'll be moving in October 1st.
So, that's pretty much my life right now. Everything else can pretty much be described by the following song. Also, who thought you could find God in Bright Eyes lyrics? - - -
Well the future's got me worried Such awful thoughts My head's a carousel of pictures The spinning never stops I just want someone to walk in front And I'll follow the leader
Like when I fell under the weight of a schoolboy crush Started carrying her books and doing lots of drugs I almost forgot who I was But I came to my senses
Now I'm trying to be assertive I'm making plans Gonna rise to the occasion yeah Meet all their demands But all I do is just lay in bed And hide under the covers Yeah I know I should be brave But i'm just too afraid of all this change
And it's too hard to focus through all this doubt I keep making these to-do lists but nothing gets crossed out Working on the record seems pointless now When the world ends who's gonna hear it? But I'm trying to take some comfort in written words Yeah, Tim, I heard your album and it's better than good When we get off tour I think we should Hang and black out together 'Cause I been feeling sentimental for days gone by All the summers singing, drinking, laughin Wasting our time Remember all the songs and the way we smiled In those basements made of music But now I've got to crawl to get anywhere at all I'm not as strong as I thought
So when I'm lost in a crowd I hope that you'll pick me out How I long to be found The grass grew high, I laid down Now I'm waiting for a hand To lift me up, help me stand I've been laying so low Don't wanna lay here no more Don't wanna lay here no more
Everything that happens is supposed to be And it's all predetermined can't change your destiny Guess I'll just keep moving Someday maybe I'll get to where I'm going
Well, here I am. Sitting in the kitchen of my apartment, our apartment. As my good friend Leif put it, we're 'real people now.' I go to work, pay rent, buy groceries, collect quarters for laundry, etc. It's interesting living in the 'real world.' Not that the life I led before was fake, but it's a different. It's different to be independent. It's even more different to be living with someone, sharing a life with someone. Budgeting, planning, putting up with each other, loving each other.
Are you the love of my lifetime? 'Cause there's been times I've had my doubts... I took so long to figure out What this book has been about
More and more I feel like this is the life I've chosen, or the life I've always been planning on living, or maybe even the life that I was on a path to, though whose path is a different question. However I happened to get here, it's my life now. We bought a cat. Not that that's the Big Commitment, or anything, but it's certainly an assumption. An assumption that we won't break up, that we will keep the cat together, that we'll eventually get married and have kids someday. And that makes me really happy.
Anyways, life has been pretty busy lately. I've been working a lot. Almost every day, sometimes two shifts or two jobs in a day. And then there's things to do at home, like cooking and dishes. The time is passing quickly... we had our three month mark this past month. Suddenly months seem a lot shorter, the time passes faster when you're very busy.
As for faith, as for God... well I just don't know. I think I want to reread a lot of the New Testament, at least- reread Jesus' teachings. Honestly, it seems like mostly we're just supposed to do the best we can and help other people as best we can. And I might be wrong, maybe doctrine and faith are really important... but I can't pretend to think those are the most important things if I don't believe them. Have I lost myself or found myself? I remember my old pastor saying that the main things that pull people away from the church are dating people who don't believe and getting retail jobs. Maybe he's right. Yet, I still believe in God, it's hard to let go of something like that, but I think that I am where I am, and God will see me through it. Even if I don't seem to be on a very religious path.
Anyways, I actually have to go to work now. So until next time, peace.
Politics tire me. I was just reading David Crowder's blog post (he has a xanga, and is quite the witty writer) and he mentioned a moment of confusion at the Gospel Music Awards. Looking into it, I happened upon a news report on ABC news about how Miss California lost because she doesn't support gay marriage. The reporter, David Wright, states that "she's in good company. The voters in California clearly agree with her." Now, not only is this a clearly biased statement (she's in "good" company... as opposed to the people demanding equal rights?), but also quite misleading, causing people to assume that voters unanimously voted against gay marriage. Quite contrary to that, proposition 8 (which defined marriage as between man and woman) was passed with 52.24% for it and 47.76% against. Hmm.
Then again, you probably already knew this. This is why I read Reuters and BBC news instead of watching Fox, ABC, or any of the other bullshit news reports that people eat up without ever thinking about the facts.
Anyways. Enough of that for now. Life update time! I'm moved in with Pat it's quite wonderful. I finally told my dad and he took it well enough. He was pretty quiet, but ultimately told me that they still love me and while they may disagree with some of my decisions, I'm an adult and can do what I want. Honestly, I don't think he could have said it more gracefully. The reason I told him was that he's actually coming to visit on Friday. I'm pretty excited, it'll definitely be good to see him and I'm both very nervous and very excited about him meeting Pat. I guess we'll see how it all goes.
So I've been reading lately. I finally got back into reading educational literature for enjoyment which I'm pretty excited about. I'm currently learning about the evils of capitalism and industrialization of the food market in The Omnivore's Dilemma. You wouldn't believe how much corn we eat... and how little money the farmers are getting while corporations get fat (literally and figuratively). I really recommend this book, seriously. Especially since it's not just some leftist rant, it's a well researched and extremely well written piece of literature that will give you tons of factual information, and even make you laugh. At least, it makes me laugh. Hmm. I think I'm going to go read now.
I will leave you with a challenge: support a local business. Instead of Starbucks, try a local coffee shop. Instead of the regular supermarket, or even Whole Foods (they're a baby step above... but not by far) try to find a local co-op. Hell, I'll even take the trouble to look a place up for you and give you directions! Just let me know. But seriously- by supporting local, not only are you possibly minimizing the amount things are trucked around the country using up oil and polluting the environment, but you're also sowing seeds in your neighborhood and your community, which will ultimately benefit you.
Life just never stops being insane, it seems. I got laid off
last week and Pat did too. But worse than that, my parents want to visit me. Up
until this point I wanted my parents to visit me. It actually made me a bit sad
when they got caught up in their own lives and didn’t have time and only
dropped me off at college in passing. I suppose that’s always been the way with
my parents though. They raised me to be independent, to take care of myself, to
make my own decisions.
Unless, of course, I start making decisions that they don’t
agree with. Then they want to come visit me so they can get me to change my
mind. The thing about my parents, though, is that they can be pretty
emotionally manipulative. My oldest sister, who’s thirty-one by the way, has
spent years and years feeling absurdly guilty about how she’s living her life
and the decisions she makes. She told me if my parents come and visit me
they’ll just make me feel awful and like I’m living in sin and then I’ll end up
crying for months.
So, I guess maybe the question is – am I living in sin? Am I
throwing my life away? Or, as Lisa would put it, am I not living up to my
highest destiny? Honestly, I can’t say that I know. I don’t think anyone can really know that. You can have an idea,
a feeling about it… but knowing requires some sort of divine connection or
knowledge… and too many people already claim that in the worst of ways.
My mom sees my highest destiny as marrying some super godly
man, probably a pastor or something, and then doing ministry sorts of things,
probably lots of evangelizing and at one point in time I prescribed to this
notion, this dream of hers, at least partially… but now, now I just feel like
she wants me to be a person that I’m not. Honestly, I’ve never been
particularly godly. As a child I was a compulsive liar and a thief. Seriously,
I stole money from my siblings to buy ice-cream that I wasn’t allowed to eat,
and then would lie about it. I was also extremely good at lying. My mom has
told me I was the only kid with whom she couldn’t tell if I was lying or not.
As I got older I didn’t get any better. I continued lying
about things such as where I was and got my first boyfriend or two behind my
parents’ backs. Oh, and don’t even get me started on sexual sin. I mean, hell –
I’ve been masturbating since before I knew what sex was. I then grew into this
awkward adolescent that wanted something I didn’t understand and didn’t have
anyone to talk about it with. When we were mailed a postcard from the high
school telling parents to talk to their kids about sex and drugs, my mom’s
response was “we don’t need to talk about this, because you’re not going to do
it.” End discussion. I lost my virginity at the age of sixteen. Thank God (I
think?) that I wasn’t into drugs otherwise I might have gotten really screwed
up.
Of course, this may not completely disqualify me from being
godly, what does godly even mean anyways? What about David? – this screwed up man who
went to bed with someone else’s wife and then killed her husband after getting
her pregnant. Yet he was ‘a man after God’s heart.’ So what made him so godly?
His bitchy poetry?
Anyways… people seemed to think that I was a pretty good
Christian and I’m not really sure why. Maybe it was because I spent all my time
at the church, but really I was seeking community and relationship, not
necessarily all about God. I’ve never been very good at reading my Bible or
doing ‘quiet times.’ My best qualities have tended to be my straightforwardness
and honesty in relationships (other than with my parents) and my eagerness to
connect with people on a deeper level.
So where I am now does not surprise me much. It did at first
because for awhile I had bought into some of my parents ideas and succumbed to
their version of how my life should go. But really, I’ve been headed here from
the beginning, at least – as far as I can remember. So where is here anyways?
Let me tell you. Here I am about to move in with my atheist boyfriend of almost
two months. The worst thing I could probably do in my parents eyes (what would
they do if I were a coke addict? Or a prostitute?!). I am beginning to reject
religion, at least my parents’ version, because of the fundamentalism that
always leaves me feeling not good enough and like I should be someone who I’m
not. But even more than that, I’m sick of how religion has manipulated and
twisted people to do horrible things and destroy the people that God supposedly
loves.
Ultimately my religion or spirituality will just be seeking
out truth, justice, and whatever is good. Not trying to condemn people for
being in situations that they don’t have control over or nitpicking sins that
are supposedly worse than others. It amazes and appalls me that we live in a
nation that goes to such extremes to fight against abortion, something that the
Bible doesn’t even address, and ignores such things as greed that Jesus so
clearly points out as being evil and wrong. I still don’t think I am denouncing
my faith, because Jesus is pretty legit, but I am certainly not going to feel
shamed or pushed into doing something that doesn’t seem right to me, or forcing
myself to see things as black and white, not when this world is so full of
grey.
And now I just have to find a way to tell my parents this…
The following is an email I sent to my very very close friend earlier today.
- - -
Oh my. So, I don’t even know where to start. First of all,
remember that conversation we had last time we talked? Where I said that I was
kind of worried because most of my close friends are not Christian and I was a
bit worried about starting to lose my faith? Yeah, I know myself too well.
A while back I had a conversation with my sister that bugged
me pretty deeply, but I managed to get over more or less, at least for awhile.
Basically she expressed the fact that she really wants to believe in God, she
would love to have the faith that my parents and I have (had), but she just
couldn’t manage to believe. There was no connection, and despite asking God to
reveal himself, etc, she didn’t feel or get anything. I had sort of suppressed the
thoughts that this created in me, until about a week and a half ago.
I was talking to Dan, Pat’s friend who I just moved in with,
and we had essentially the same conversation. He was asking me about my faith
and expressed the same frustration- that he would love to have faith and believe
in something, but when he’d asked God to reveal himself, he got nothing.
So… what kind of God is this? One who chooses certain people
to believe and certain people to not believe? I’ve never been okay with the
idea of predestination. I’ve been challenged by this briefly with a couple
places in the Bible, like with Pharaoh, where God hardens someone’s heart… but
it had never been a real-life experience, I guess. This issue, in and of
itself, was enough to put me on rocky ground.
Now, if God wants me to continue to be a strong Christian, I
would think that he would provide people in my life that would help strengthen
it. Instead, I’ve been frustrated with most of the Christians whom I’ve dealt
with recently. Even my small group leaders, who I thought were super amazing
and cool originally, started getting on my nerves. Shelby
kept giving me unsolicited advice that wasn’t even that important. Like that I
shouldn’t buy more-expensive organic food (even though it’s better for my body,
the environment, and even my community since I’m supporting local farmers) and
acting as though he’s soo old (he’s only 33) and wise and that I’m in a place
where I really need lots of helpful advice. At first it was kind of sweet and
endearing… then it just got annoying. Especially since I’m pretty damn mature already
and can completely take advice… but hate when people act like I’m so young.
Anyways… a bit of an unnecessary rant there. The point being,
the Christians I’ve encountered lately haven’t been the most amazing people.
They’re not awful or anything, but my closest friends have definitely been more
people that are either atheist or just sort of generally spiritual. And I guess…
when I think about my spiritual journey so far, one of the main things that has
kept my faith strong has been that God provided what I needed when I needed it,
right? So right now, in order to keep my faith, I need some strong Christian
friends… instead of that, I get an amazing and wonderful atheist boyfriend.
So is this some sort of test? Because honestly, at this
point, a test like that just seems like a shitty thing to do. Why would God
target my weakest point or even allow Satan to do that? I mean, I know the Job
story… but I’m not Job. I won’t stand up to the testing, especially not this
much at this point in my life. So why would God allow it?
Here’s the thing. From a more objective point of view my
faith has had a positive effect on my life so far, regardless of whether or not
God actually exists in the form we believe he does. It has created community
for me, helped me get through difficult times, kept me sane, etc. And now here
I am - doubting what I believe and not sure how to proceed… and now my life has
taken this crazy twist of events.
In most ways, I just feel like I’m going with the flow.
Honestly, I don’t feel particularly guilty, I don’t feel any impending doom or
even a sense of anxiety about how things are turning… not even deep in my gut.
This is another reason that I’m sort of wondering about things. In the past I’ve
always known when I was doing something stupid and I would do it anyways, just
accepting the consequences. But now… now I don’t feel like I’m doing anything
wrong.
So here are the twists my life has taken. I’ve got my job
which I still love, except that the owner and management sucks… so I’m hoping
someone else buys it soon or something changes. I started dating Pat, and oh my
goodness… I don’t even know where to begin with him. I mean, we’ve always joked
about dating older guys, etc… but I cannot even tell you how amazing and mature
and wonderful he is. He makes me laugh, he’s respectful and intelligent, he’s
cute… I’m going to have to devote another email to talking about him, I think.
Here’s the thing that’s kind of terrifying. The thing that
has been the only solid and stable thing in my life is now diminishing in
importance (that being my faith) and my life is now partially resting on this
relationship working out. I mean, we’ve been attempting to not get too serious,
but he’s wonderful and he thinks I’m wonderful and we’ve spent almost every day
together, and we’ve only spent two nights apart since we started dating a week
and a half ago… and I’m not sick of him and we’re not burning out… but the
really terrifying thing is that we work together and I moved in with his really
good friend and he’s becoming such a huge part of my life so quickly that if
this relationship falls apart I’ll be totally fucked.
Yet, I’m weirdly not too worried. I don’t know, but I
might actually be able to see this working out. But I’m not going to lie, this
identity shift is pretty major and overwhelming… I wish you were here and you
could meet him and we could hang out… I miss you terribly.
